I've been hiding from my self

I have a lot to do but I just don't want to do it. My get up and go has got up went. All I seem to want to do is to read. I think I am trying to escape and to hide in a make believe world. My reading of choice is science fiction.

Sorry but I don't feel like typing more. I just wanted to let everyone know that I'm still here.

I'm feeling better today

It looks like that the Zoloft is finally working. Or I am getting use to the Antara. Yesterday was a good day too.

I have been racking the bare/dead spots and pulling up the weed grass in the front yard. I am using a rake made for kids to "use" with their parents to make the kids thing they are helping. Its about 8 inches wide with 4 teeth. Just right for the small spots in the yard. After cleaning up the spots, I seed the bare ground and put a thin layer of enriched garden soil over the seed. All I need to do now is keep watered every day and in a week or so, then - - presto there is new bluegrass growing. It will take me the rest of the week or so to finish up the front yard. Then its on the side yard which is also on the street as I live in a house on a corner lot.

My other outdoor project is putting Hardy panels over the existing composite siding who's bottom edges are rotting. I am almost done putting up the panels. I have about 8 feet left on the back where the utilities come into the house. This requires a lot of cutting and fitting. The concrete board does not cut easily and soon dulls the tools used. I hope to be done putting up the panels by the end on next week. Then its on the cutting and installing the trim boards to finish the batten board siding look.

I have half of my 14 oz bag of dark chocolate M&Ms left. I just ate two as I was writing this. Oh so good.

I've gone to the dark side

I went to the grocery store today and saw some new M&Ms. They are made from dark chocolate. As I like dark chocolate, I bought a bag. Oh my, are they good. I hope I don't eat the whole bag tonight.

Not much happening

The new med is still kicking my butt. Not too much ambition right now. I just want to set and read. Don't want to think too hard. I need to figure out how to use M$ FrontPage to make some web photo galleries for my son's web site, but my mind is a bit foggy and I can't seem to quite figure it out. I have work to do on finishing replacing the siding on the house but it seems to take more effort than I want to expend. This is the time of year to work on the lawn, re-seeding the bare areas after raking up the dead grass and weeds. I've got a few small places done with a bunch more to do. I don't feel much like blogging except for some rants. I just do not want to sound like a bitter old man because I'm not normally like that. I am usually happy and in a good mode most of the time so I am sure its the new med I'm on.

On a better note, I have lost some weight. I was up three pounds when I returned from visiting my son and have lost that plus an additional three pounds. I'm starting to get use to being hungry. Ah, it would be nice to be able to stuff my face like I use to years ago.

I hope y'all are feeling more alive than I do.

Will I ever have sex again?

Probably not.

I have metabolic syndrome. This means I have high blood pressure, type 2 diabetes, abdominal obesity, high triglyceride level and low HDL cholesterol level. I take meds to control all but the obesity. Because of the group of medical problems and the meds I have ED (Erectile dysfunction). It does not respond to Viagra.

One of the recommenced things to do is to lose weight. But this is hard to do for someone with metabolic syndrome. While I have lost some weight in the last year, about 15 lbs, I need to lose a lot more, about 50 to 60 lbs.

Say I lose the weight what effect will it have on ED? From what I read, little help. Oh I will be less likely to have heart problems, the amount of meds needed will be reduced and I will live longer. However a longer life without sex, when you really want to have sex, is not appealing.

I went to the mall today to get my new eye glasses. I put on my new glasses and decided to walk around the mall for some exercise. It depressed me. I was looking at some of the women walking from store to store. Several nice looking women walking ahead of me with the their ass twitching. It was so appealing to me. Several women smiled at me. You know the type of smile that indicated more than just being nice.. But then I realized that even if one of them would be interested in me, I could not satisfy them or me. Well I could do good things for them orally, but most would want more than that, as would I. Damn damn damn!

I think my wife thinks of oral sex as foreplay. I think she gets frustrated if I cannot follow up with penetration. So we do nothing. I'm sure she is unhappy with my lack of performance too.

So what do I do? I have not a clue. All I know is that I am unhappy.

I've got the blahs

It may be because of a new medication I am taking. I started taking Antara last week. I can't seem to find out if the general malaise is a listed side effect.

I could also be depressed. I want to move to the west coast and live near my son. I was there for three weeks and got back a couple of weeks ago. While there I was looking at houses. OMG are they expensive. To get a house about the same size and as nice as the house that I now am now paying a mortgage on, would cost me almost three times as much. While it looks like I may qualifie for a higher mortgage on a higher priced house, I will not have the down payment. To pay off the credit cards, I took out a 2nd mortgage on my house. That meas when I sell I will not get enough to make a down payment on a new house on the west coast. I may have to rent to live there. Bummer.

Well on to better news. My son make it through the primaries and is now working on getting elected to the city council in November. I am the Webmaster for his web site. I am using FrontPage and wish I knew more how to use it. It you want to see my poor work, email me for the url.