Wife will be gone for two weeks

My wife will be visiting her sister to get away from the house. This will help her to come to terms with her mother dying. I will be left all alone for the two weeks. One of the things I will be doing is eating fried SPAM sandwiches. My wife hates the smell of SPAM cooking so I only get to have SPAM when she is away for a few days. (It takes several days to get the smell out of the house.)

A few years ago I went on a two week mission trip with the youth of our church. On one of the work days I wore a tee-shirt with the SPAM logo on it. Most of the kids made fun of my like/love of SPAM and it became a lot of fun with them teasing and with me defending. I got the nickname of SPAM man. After we got back the youth had a church dinner as a fund raiser. As a joke I brought fried SPAM sandwiches and they were all eaten by the crowd. About a month latter the women of the church put together a recipe book as a fund raiser. Again, as a joke, I gave them the following recipe and they had the nerve to put it in their booklet. This is what I turned in:

SPAM Sandwiches — Deluxe
By SPAM man

1. Open a can of SPAM.

NOTE: be careful when opening vintage cans of SPAM that you do not cut yourself on the can edges. Most households have a vintage can of SPAM way in the back of the cabinet that was bought (in a weak moment) for emergency food.

2. Remove contents and discard the packing jelly. One does not need to worry about Salmonella being spread from the material in the can. The contents, while in the can, no longer support life.

3. Slice the mass on the can end face. Slices should be 1/8th to 3/16th inch thick. Thinner slices, when fried, give only crust and no innards. Thicker slices give too much innards.

4. Place slices in a heated skillet that has a small amount of oil in it; additional oil will magically appear as the slices fry. Southerners may use bacon grease.

5. Fry the slices turning several times. Turn more often if you are impatient.

6. Fry until golden brown. Then continue cooking some more.

NOTE: If the slices turn black, they have cooked too long and you must start over with fresh(?) slices.

7. When cooked, remove the slices and place on several layers of paper towels. EPA regulations require disposal of the used paper towels in sealed bags.

8. Cut each slice in two to make cracker size squares. Larger pieces require cast iron stomachs.

9. Place four fried SPAM squares on a piece of white sandwich bread. Be sure to use white bread which has only the minimum amount of nutrients as required by Law.

10. Place a small dollop of yellow mustard on each of the fried SPAM squares. You may use more mustard if you think you can still taste the SPAM.

11. Cover with another piece of white sandwich bread and cut into quarters. If these sandwiches are to be used in a formal setting, cut off the bread crust.

12. Place the completed sandwiches on a serving plate and cover with plastic wrap. Do not use aluminum foil for if it touches the SPAM, the aluminum will corrode.

13. These sandwiches may be prepared up to several days before hand. Storage time depends on the bread used. Additional storage time can be gained if stored in a refrigerator.