My memory of D

I first met D while attending a PWP (Parents Without Partners) meeting. This gathering was intended to provide help to newly divorced persons. Of course I was there mostly to meet women. One woman looked very sad and for some reason I was drawn to her. I talked to her during the mixer after the program and we exchanged phone numbers. We soon went on our first date. I don't remember for sure which date was THAT date, but it was one of the first few dates. I am not sure what we did on THAT date, maybe we went to a movie, but I do remember what happen after we got back to her house and the babysitter left. We were standing inside her entranceway kissing good night. The kisses kept getting hotter and hotter. I slipped my hand down her blouse and under her bra. After playing with her breasts a bit she lead me back into the living room and we started making out on her sofa. I started removing her clothes and she was helping me remove mine. Soon we were doing what men and women have done forever. Things progressed from there. Until we were dating exclusively.

D was a petite blond with a pretty smile and kind eyes. Her breasts were very small and her bottom was a bit bigger for her frame, but oh how I loved watching her walk from behind. She had the sweetest tasting sex of any of the women I was ever with. And, oh yes, the sex was great as she was a very passionate person.

I grew to care and to love her. We would spend weekends together as a family and after the kids were down for the night we made sweet passionate love together. Sometimes while her kids were playing we would sneak off into the bathroom and she would pull down her pants and I would take her from behind. Oh the fun of it. It was time to move the relationship to the next level. But there was one major thing that bothered me, her kids. Well the kids were not the problem as they were nice and well behaved. The problem was me. I did not feel I could be a good stepdad to them. I felt that I did poorly with raising my own kids and I was inadequate as a husband. This thinking was reenforced and maybe caused by my ex. So I though that it would be best for D and her kids for her to find a better man. She kept telling me that I would be good for her and her kids but I thought I knew better. So I push her out of my life. Now that I am older and hopefully wiser I think I may have made the wrong decision. I missed out on the joy of raising a baseball player want-to-be and a cute sweet daughter as well as having a passionate wife and lover. Maybe. Who knows. Many things look better in one's memory. But the memories I have are very sweet and there will always be a special spot in my heart for her.

I do wish I could be in contact with her to see how her life is. But I don't think it will happen. She married and moved to the west coast. I don't know her new last name or even if she is still married. I do visit that town once-in-a-while and I do keep a look out for her. But what is the chance?

I do hope she is happy with her life.

Social Security - Medicare - Medicaid, Where does it go from here?

A rant brought on by newspaper stories.

Of the three programs, Medicaid is in the worst shape and SS is in the best. So what does the federal administration focus on? The one that is easiest to fix. Let's not worry about the hard ones.

Reminds me of what happened at my jr. college. They were concerned about the fact that a large number of high school graduates were not ready for college level classes and were dropping or failing their freshman classes. The school made a study about which subjects that they needed to provide remedial classes to get the incoming students up to speed. The results: 60% needed help with math and 40% needed help with English. What did they do? They used the study to justify remedial English classes. No classes for remedial math. WTF!! Dr. Deming, the father of quality improvement, would be appalled. To make a product or process better you fix the worst things first. Not fix that which is the easiest. Fixing anything but the worst only makes marginal improvements.

We will not fix these entitlement programs working at the margins. It will take more than ineffective words, it will take leadership. I don't think our politicians are up to it. Oh well.

I write off-line

I'm a very bad speller. I learned to read by the "see and say" method. I have a hard time sounding out new written words. The words that I do spell right when writing are the words I've memorize. If I do not know how to spell a word, I do try to spell it phonically. Usually I get close enough so that my word processor can correct it. Every once in a while I can't get close enough so that the spell checker can help. Then its Thesaurus time. If I can find a word that means something similar to the word I want, then bingo, the Thesaurus helps. God I love word processors! Back in the old days, in the late 50's, writing was hard when you could not spell well. In my college English class my in-class composition were bad. (BTW It took me several minutes to get ‘composition' spelled right.) Instead of spending my class period working on the quality of the writing, I spent most of my time looking up words in the dictionary and thinking of synonyms I could use in the paper. My out-of-class compositions earned A's and B's because I could spend the time on the quality of the writing as well as the spelling. My in-class compositions earned mostly D's. I received a D for the class. Why? The instructor thought someone else was writing my out-of-class compositions. I could understand her position as they did look like different authors, although I wrote both.
So why this post? I am writing about my old girlfriend D and I am stuck on the spelling of several words. It is soooo frustrating.
My next post, if I don't give up, is about D.

I'm still here

I have been trying to get my head around a few things.

Its mostly my fault

After I was divorced from my first wife and after several months of adjusting (not a good time), I entered the dating candy store. My favorite candy store was PWP (Parents Without Partners). It was a very well run organization. There were activities almost every night of the week. Usually you could just show up at the last minute. Perfect for singles who were always hopeful that something better would come along. Most of the women were in their 30's and were horny. I dated many of the women from PWP. I was looking for companionship and sex. One of the women, lets call her D, and I dated for a long time. We were both dating others but soon we were each others main relationship. I grew to care and to love her. There was just one problem, her kids. Well the kids were not the problem as they were nice well behaved. The problem was me. I did not feel I could be a good dad to them. I felt that I did poorly with my own, and this thinking was reenforced by my ex, and I though that for D and her kids she should find a better man. She kept telling me that I would be good for her and her kids but I thought I knew better. So I push her out of my life. I continued to date from the PWP candy store and I stayed careful not to get too close to anyone with kids at home. I knew I needed to move on to other places to meet women. I meet a woman, lets call her M, who's kids were grown and gone. M was a very nice person and a lot of fun to be with. My kids loved her. Everything was good except she smoked and she had no interest in quitting. I pulled back from that relationship. Latter, I met a woman who seemed to be a good match for me. No kids and did not want any, good job, non- smoker, and her own person. She was a bit reserved when it came to sex but it seemed to be OK. We drifted into exclusive dating and ended up married. She was the one who wanted to get married and I said OK. The marriage was fine for a few years but started going down hill when she, seemly to me, would get very mad with me over a trivial thing. A few years of this sucks the love and passion out of a marriage. The sex just tapered off. Then a few of years ago the Doc put me on high blood pressure medicines. Now I can't get a good stiff erection and Viagra does not help. So now I can't have sex even if I wanted to with my wife. For my wife sex is about penetration only as she does not like oral sex, giving or receiving. My wife found out about 6 months ago that she was bi-polar. She now is on meds for this and things are a lot Calmer. But its too late for me. All the sex I get now is from my hand.

I hope that this Valentine's day finds you in the embrace of someone you love and who loves you. I especially wish this is true for D and M.

Danger Ahead - Valentine's Day

If you are in love or in lust with one person, it is easy. Get a card, plan a dinner or a special time together. If you are dating non-exclusively, i.e. several persons, get a card for each and plan something with each. Maybe a breakfast for one, after a night together, a lunch for another, a supper. The logistics can get complicated but doable. Finding the cards are hard. Most use the L word, which you usually want to avoid if you are a honest person. The best you can do is to find one with a few nice words and the phase "Be my Valentine." This gives some room for the recipient to think love or hope of love without you saying it. Its really hard to find a card for your best fuck-buddy. There is no love and will probably never will be. If you are in unsatisfying marriage what do you do? It depends. If you lead separate lives but are not ready for a divorce yet, but maybe soon, do nothing. If you want to want to keep up appearances and get along, just get a cheap card. If you are still friends with your partner and do not want to get divorced, get an expensive card. So the other day, on the pretense of another kind of trip, I'm off to the Hallmark Gold Crown store. I am not in a very good mood and it is hard to find a card that will make my wife happy but will not be too mushy. Here are the words of the one I got:

For my wife *turn page*
You've given me a special kind of Love *turn page*
Through all the changes
and life's ups and downs,
our love has been a powerful
source of stability
and strength for me... *next paragraph*
Our love has grown
until it touches everything in my life.
Thank you for giving me
that kind of Love.

*signature*

Well its almost true. Maybe if I could substitute the word care for the work love. Maybe caring is a kind of love. Now to find one for my fuck buddy - oh, I guess I will first have to get one. Damn!

Here's to another sexless Valentine's day, my fourth in a row.

Its as good as it gets or its down hill from here

I guess I should not be complaining, but its sad when you realize there no dreams for the future except for holding on. Being retired is also being unemployed. I could get a job greeting people at WalMark or become a floor guy at Home Depot, but I am used to better jobs and responabilities than that. My income stream is not going to get better. Yes there is enough to live and eat well now, and for that I am thankful, but it will be less so in the future. There is not enough money to travel and see new things to keep my mind occupied with new things that away. So Blogging here is a small attempt to do something new. All my life I have enjoyed learning and doing new things to use in the future. But what is the need to learn something new when it will be of little or no use to you? My big plan right now is to move to the West Coast and live near my son so he can take care of me in my declining years. WaHoo! Now that is something to look forward to!

Another nice thing about being retired - It snowed

Tuesday afternoon it started snowing and commute home was hell. At least that what the paper said. I wouldn’t know. I stayed inside and read Blogs. Wednesday was nice and sunny but there was still snow on the ground and ice on the streets. I stayed inside and read Blogs. Today the streets are clear so I went out and ate breakfast. I eat breakfast out just to get out of the house. I sure get lonely sometimes.

I guess you have to take the good with the bad.

Monday

Mondays aren’t bad when your retired. I use to hate Mondays most of the time when I worked a eight-to-five job. Now I get up when I want and do what I want. However, sometimes I miss a reason to get up. Oh well, I guess one is never satisfied. I do miss seeing all the women at work. I guess I could go to the mall just to see women. What I miss the interaction with others both men and women. I guess I just need to find an interesting activity away from home and my wife where I can meet, talk and make my own friends not just couple friends.

Why am I posting?

For me when reading a Blog, I read the first few posts to see why the poster is posting. So, with
my first post, I think I should I should give my reasons:

I enjoy reading Blogs and I want to join in,

Like most old men, I want to tell my stories (and you only need to read them once),

I would like to tell of my current life

and

I would like to make new friends.

In these posts I will tell things that I would not tell my closest friends or my wife. Therefore, I
will try to be anonymous. Most people I know who are near my age don’t know enough about
technology and computers to read Blogs, so there is not much worry about them seeing this Blog.
The only person that I know who may read this Blog is my son. And someday I may give him this
URL. So set back, read and enjoy. Don’t feel too sorry for me, even when I am feeling sorry for
myself, as I have had a good life.