What is Cheating?
You would think everyone would agree on what is cheating in a relationship; but they don't. I think that most people will agree that having sex with someone other than your primary partner is cheating. But there is a couple of questions about that statement. What is sex? And is it cheating if you are in an open relationship (open marriage)? Well, let's narrow the definition a bit. Cheating is having unauthorized (by your partner) intercourse with someone other than your primary partner. Now I don't think this definition is inclusive enough as there are other acts that to me are cheating. What if we replace intercourse with genitalia contact? Even this may not be inclusive enough. How about having an Internet affair. Polls, that I have read, indicate that just a little bit more than half, men or women, indicate that an Internet affair is cheating. So it would seem that there are a lot of men and women that think its ok to have an Internet affair. How about passionate kissing? Here again I bet there is no agreement if this is cheating or not. I think that most people would agree that masturbating is not cheating. How about reading or watching porn? How about going to a strip club? Some would say yes some would say no. I would say it depends on the expectations of the people in the relationship if an action is cheating or not.
To me cheating can be more than just about sex. To me cheating is anything that diminishes the primary relationship. This means both things you do as well as the things you don't do.
posted by SunsetMan @ 4:40 AM
12 comments
12 Comments:
Oh, I like that definition also. It does cover the expectations of the partner as far as "actions" of the persons involved.
But I also feel you cheat when you withhold something needed or expected by your partner.
Cheating...
A subject I can speak on from the 'hurt' side.
Cheating is any betrayal, emotional or sexual that is hidden or kept secret from your spouse.
My husband cyber-cheated. Some people don't think that should count, but here is the measure I look at this from:
1. Were there lies? Yes. Many, many lies.
2. Was he seeking sexual fulfillment outside the marriage with another person? Yes.
3. Was I betrayed? Yes. Lies. Withholding truths. Manipulations.
4. Was there an emotional betrayal? Yes. More than half the emails were just sweet talk. The sexual aspect of the relationship was not the limit.
5. Did my lifestyle, marriage, family suffer as a result? Yes. The rare time he had away from work that could have been spent with me and our daughter was spent talking to the other woman while we were led to believe he was busy with work. He tried to get me to shell out about $1000 of our tightly budgeted money to allow him to go on a business trip where he planned to meet her face-to-face. In the end, it failed, but not because of his lack of trying!
If my husband seeks sexual fulfillment that directly excludes me and involves another party - I consider it cheating.
A strip joint? Fine line. I'd go along with him if he wanted to go. I'm open minded and sexual as a woman - he can look, touch, lap dance, etc...because I am still a part of it and have the power to set boundaries based on what I can be comfortable with.
Let's say I'm in love with Sunset Man. Madly and passionately in love. I don't have sex with him, but we confide in one another, share long talks, emotional exchanges, and discuss our feelings for each other. I pine for him, long for him, spend all my time thinking about him. I hide this from my husband. Even without the sex, I have just emotionally cheated on my husband.
Exactly my point Odd Wife. All the items you listed diminishes the primary relationship and most were not about sex. Many of the items you listed was stuff that was withheld from you and the family that should been provided. That has hurt you badly. I know you all are trying to work things out and I hope for your success, but the hurt takes a long time to overcome - - if ever. Gaining trust after betrayal takes a long long time of hard work and determined effort on the part of the betrayer. I can see by your last post that the hurt is still there and near the surface of your emotions. I hope there are no actions which will cause the emotions of distrust and hurt to boil over.
Also, it's only cheating if you get caught.
Gee Wirthy, I hope your comment was meant as a joke.
Experienced on both sides of the cheating fence, I agree with all of the points already listed. But I will add that there was always that empty feeling that I was only seeing/experiencing half of that person because their heart/mind/thoughts were somewhere else.
Btw, Sunsetman, thanks for adding me to your blogrole. :-) Quite honored.
...OW said, "But I will add that there was always that empty feeling that I was only seeing/experiencing half of that person because their heart/mind/thoughts were somewhere else."
Interestingly enough, that's how I felt as the wife..I just didn't know why.
Odd Wife,
I know what you mean because I was the wife once too. My husband left me for another woman. Strange, isn’t it? Then I became the other woman. That is just so messed up.
In my relationship, I consider porn and strippers cheating. The porn issue has come up and I told my boyfriend, "I have never in our entire relationship masturbated to the thought of someone else. My entire physical/sexual relationship here is based on you. You can't say the same of me. You're masturbating to whatever you're seeing with no thought to me. That hurts. A lot."
I gave it to him this way: If you paid a bunch of women to come into your apartment and have sex in front of you while you masturbated, would that be cheating? "Well, yeah..." he said.
I raised an eyebrow. "Point taken," he said.
Thanks for the good quote on what cheating is because that one thoughtless act of his definitely hurt me and diminished the relationship in my eyes. My thought of myself became "I'm not enough for him." *shrugs* Perhaps that's my own issue (I've been cheated on in the past with more than "just porn") but that's how I feel about it.
I stand by my belief that "cheating" can only be determined by the people within the relationship. No one else can decide. But I think that once boundaries are agreed upon, they can't be changed after they've been met. If my partner and I decide that we will engage in a threesome, I cannot afterwards accuse him of cheating on me if we acted within the boundaries that we set.
If one partner thinks that he can be held accountable for nothing he does while drunk and believes that if there's no physical contact it's not cheating, and the other considers that even watching a porn movie or going to a strip club is cheating, then those two people obviously have some compatibility issues, and there will probably be a lot more that's considered "cheating" than would be in a healthy normal relationship. But no one can determine what constitutes cheating unless they're part of that relationship.
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